If you’re from eastern Canada (Ontario, Quebec, Maritimes), you’ve probably heard of Bell. Much like AT&T has historically held a monopoly over telephone services in many areas of the United States, Bell is the sole provider of telephone services in much of Canada. They were also, until recently, the sole provider of DSL internet access.

For about two years, I had high-speed DSL internet access through Bell. I was happy initially, but after customer service has degraded to the point where it might as well be called customer disservice (i.e. they don’t solve your problem and just piss you off), Bell implemented torrent throttling on not only themselves but other ISPs using Bell’s services to connect to the customer’s homes. Technical support consisted of someone in India asking if my modem was plugged into the wall. When my friend cancelled his land line a year ago, it took four requests to finally stop the bills. So I had enough and switched to an independent provider, which costs me $18 less per month and provides good customer service.

Well, Bell has unleashed their crack team of telemarketers on me, and this fellow offered up a particularly interesting proposal.

The following is a transcript of my conversation with the Bell sales representative. It has been approximated in some areas due to my imperfect recollection of a conversation that lasted, well, a bit too long to be productive.

A (Alex): Hello?
B (Bell representative): Hello?
A: Hello?
B: Is this Alas Kosriz? (What I think I heard. I figured it sounded like my name.)
A: Yes, it is I.
B: Hi, I am calling from Bell Canada because I understand you have Bell phone or Internet services.
A: Nope, actually, we did, but we became a Bell-free household last September.
B: Well I have good news for you. Bell is willing to offer you free Internet high speed for three months…
A: Wait, so, the Bell company itself called and said, “you know, we should offer this Alex guy some free Internet access, because he’s just a cool guy?”
B: No, but… [returns to reading from his script] this is free Internet for three months, no contract offer, you will get fast speeds up to 7 megabits per second, up to twice as fast as Rogers (cable company)…
A: Wait, but Rogers has up to 8 megabits per second. And I am more than 4 km away from the exchange which means I will never in a million years see 7 megs.
B: No, you will get 7 meg per second, this is the offer.
A: But that’s not how DSL works…

I decide to just let him finish because he doesn’t know anything about telephone networks or DSL anyway.

B: So, can we sign you up for this service?
A: No. [I then described my own customer service experiences that drove me up the wall. I won’t bore you with those.]
B: Well, there have been a lot of complaints from people in your area. We now have new management who is willing to offer our customers more to get them back. So can we sign you up for this service?
A: No, I am happy with my current ISP.
B: If I may ask, why do you not want this offer? Is there something wrong? It is a free Internet for 3 months, only you pay for modem rental.
A: I already have a modem.
B: Well it is only two dollars per month.
A: If Bell offers poor customer service that’s their problem. But if I keep trying, and I keep getting poor customer service, yet I keep paying for the service, that makes me an idiot. You know what I mean? Fool me twice, shame on me.
B: But how will you know that we have really changed unless you try?
A: Look, I’ll put it to you this way. I don’t have one friend who is happy with your services. When I hear people I know telling me Bell has changed their tune, then I will consider it.

The next line is perhaps the best line I have ever heard from a telemarketer.

B: But, can you really trust your friends? Do they really tell you what you need to know? Do they know what they are talking about? You will never really know, deep down in your heart and soul, that Bell offers better services?

Wow. First of all, yes, I can trust my friends. I’ve endured some challenging times in my life, as almost anyone has, and my friends went to battle with me. When I was down over some girl that left me, where was Bell? When my parents divorced, where was Bell? When I was hitting .230 in Little League, where was Bell? What, they didn’t know how to reach me? They own the god damn phone lines!

Secondly, I work in the computer industry, which is reflected in the company I keep: my friends are software developers, system administrators, technical writers, security specialists, and technicians. Awfully smart people. Many of which know their way around a telephone exchange, for reasons they are not willing to fully disclose.

What this guy just didn’t seem to understand is why I wouldn’t switch back for the free 3-month offer. Of course, if I did, and I was disappointed yet again, I would have to go through the hassle of switching back to my current ISP, who has responded to all my concerns immediately, returned my calls on time and honoured their commitments to me as promised. As a token of my appreciation, I remain a customer and continue using and enjoying my Internet access. There is a lot to be said for customer loyalty, which it is evident that Bell does not understand. Their customers didn’t leave because they found a better deal, they left because they were tired of being treated like garbage.

Now, Bell may very well be trying to change its tune. But what is apparent is that they do not have a new vision. How do I know? Bell has called me up to twice a day, at varying and often inappropriate hours, from three different phone numbers. Talk about customer service.

And yes, Bell, my modem is plugged into the wall. Have a nice day.