Okay, I’ve been meaning to do this one for a while, but I can’t take it anymore! Something has to be said. And according to It’s Not News, It’s Fark by Drew Curtis, a great way to get people talking is to come up with a really controversial bullshit Top X List where X is the number of pimples you counted on your ass last time you actually looked. So here’s my list of the top 5 athletes that I can’t stand hearing about anymore.

5. Josh Hamilton

Josh Hamilton really didn’t do anything to land on this list. He seems like a cool guy. What’s actually on this list isn’t Hamilton himself, but the man-crush that every baseball reporter has on him because of his story. He was basically doing drugs and getting tattoos and going nowhere quickly, falling off the map as a prospect. Then, he found 1. God, and 2. his fucking mind and made a remarkable comeback. Yes, it was remarkable, and he deserves credit for it. He got credit. He’s having a fantastic year. A+ job, man, keep it up.

During the home run derby which he eventually did not win (though the media just snubbed Morneau and continued hanging off Hamilton’s dong anyway), one of the broadcasters made the comment that “it’s not a good time to be an atheist.” I guess it isn’t, because the atheists are sitting at home not doing drugs in the first place. Ask me how I know.

4. Mats Sundin

It really kills me to throw him up here, because he’s been the only thing on the ice in Toronto worth watching for the past few years. And despite the fact that there are other NHL teams that are not managed by half-baked manatees who would love to have him for a playoff run, he’s stayed here. He deserves credit for that.

But come on dude, make up your mind already. I can summarize it for you if you want. The Leafs couldn’t win a fixed election. You won’t get so much as a .500 finish here. As far as Montreal goes, well, you’ve got a better chance there, but hockey is unpredictable. A team off everyone’s radar could have a great year and snatch the Cup. There are no guarantees. So you can play another year risking major injuries (which are hard to heal from when you’re up in years) or just retire, buy your own hockey team, set it up in southern Ontario, and give us a chance to watch a winning team for once.

3. Curt Schilling

Don’t get me wrong, Manny Ramirez pisses me off, and this spot was originally his. But you, sir, have stepped up and stolen it from him. It’s pretty fresh to slam a player that actually made a difference for the team while you’re on the DL. And yes, everyone knows that Manny sometimes acts like Manny, which is code for saying that he acts like a self-important jackass who is constantly being persecuted. It is interesting to note that when the Boston Red Sox persecute an innocent bystander, it involves paying him $20 million a year.

It’s been months, though, since Schilling has called someone out in public when everyone already knew what was going on and nobody gave a shit. If you want to stay relevant, why not talk about baseball? Get involved with the media; I’m sure a local newspaper would love to publish some of your work or let you on TV as a colour commentator. You’d be a good one, too; no doubt that your experience playing big league ball for so many years gives you an insight into the game. You lived the dream that millions of fans didn’t even get a sniff of. Why must you turn it into a soap opera?

2. Brett Favre

If there’s anyone who deserves to be here, it’s Brett Fah-vruh (which is how his name is pronounced). Yes, I know what it’s like to have my last name mispronounced all the time. But the order of letters in a word count for something, and in this case, the r comes AFTER the v, not before it. It’s not Farve. It’s Favre. I have three (3) guesses:

  • Favre sounds French, and being from Mississippi, having a French name sounds like a death sentence–kinda like publicly endorsing a Democrat or having an IQ over 84.
  • At some point, someone knew how to say it properly, but was erroneously passed down after the young Favre couldn’t comprehend Daddy’s accent.
  • Brett is just dyslexic. Hey, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m like that with numbers. Which would be a bad thing because I’d have probably changed my name to Cinco Ocho. Then I’d be laughed at even more than… well… a guy who changes his name to a number.

It’s not just the media on this one. Give Brett the award himself. First it’s, “I wanna retire!” Then it’s, “no, really I just said that because I’m not happy with the way the Fudge Packers are treating me!” Then it’s, “I’m not reporting to training camp. Trade me!” Then it’s, “No, I’m reporting to training camp! It’s your problem now!” Then it’s, “I’m not reporting until we get this sorted out.” What’s the big deal? Can Favre not figure out how to speak what’s on his mind, or does it change every 35 seconds?

1. Michael Phelps

Holy shit, enough with it already. Yes, he’s the best swimmer ever. We know. I’ve seen the picture with all the medals he won. Eight! That must be a record! Well it is, and partially because all eight events were in the same sport. Now I don’t mean to put the guy down or anything, he really did smash some records here. But it’s a lot harder when you’re playing, say, volleyball or tennis to win eight medals when they only give out one.

If there’s one thing I learned from Phelps’ groundbreaking appearance on SNL, it’s that he’s a horrible actor and can’t even remember his own lines. Is this a problem? No, not at all, because he’s a swimmer. Ever hear someone say, “don’t quit your day job?” Well he has a day job. And a night job. And he could probably get any kind of job he wanted, if you know what I mean. I get the damn point. I don’t need to see him everywhere.

Alright, that’s it. I’m done. And tired. Good night.