Everyone knows how great a season Evan Longoria has had. Before the year began, the Rays inked Longoria to a seven-year contract worth up to $17 million depending on his performance. And boy, were there naysayers–not only for Longoria, but for the devilless Rays. But he’s shocked everyone (though the Rays are not surprised at how good he is), and so have the Rays. He is easily going to win AL Rookie of the Year.
Despite all this, I still think he’s underrated! That’s right, I’m saying Evan isn’t getting enough props. To prove it, I figured I’d do what every baseball journalist and commentator wants to do: extrapolate immense statistical observations from miniature sample sizes! Below is a series of graphs comparing Longoria to the rest of his team. I have chosen only the most important offensive metrics for this comparison. And I drew these graphs myself. Look at that drop shadow! Damn, I’m good.
As you can see, in virtually every important offensive category, Longoria owns the Rays. In fact, he owns you too. And your mom. And your face. And your mom’s face.
First of all, let’s talk about RBIs. The guy is responsible for 50% of the team’s RBIs, when he represents only 11% of the starting lineup! Home runs? Forget it, Longoria has infinity more than the rest of his team has in postseason play. Batting average? Bitch please. He’s hitting a thousand while the rest of the team hovers around a laughable .294. In fact, there’s no possible way to hit better than 1.000. In a sense, Longoria is the greatest hitter that could theoretically exist.
Since the Jays aren’t seeing postseason action this fall (and probably the next ten falls), and I’m a fan of baseball in general (not just the home squad), I’ve gotta have something to cheer for. And what better team to rally behind than the one I’ve doubted all year long? They proved me wrong on the field all year and now they’ve got my respect. Rays in 3!