I was just watching CNN (I know, bad idea) when a breaking news update came in. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Barack Obama was eating ice cream in Eugene, Oregon.
Where does this guy get off, anyway? Eating ice cream? Really? What flavour was it, Barack?
Okay. You got me. I’m joking. What difference does this make? Who cares what the man wants to do in his spare time? I know of some other news agencies that care what people do in their spare time and what they eat and where they hang out: The Globe and The National Enquirer. I’m afraid to place CNN in the same category, but they’re slowly earning it. If you wanted to be a tabloid, CNN, you’ve got it! Everyone thinks you’re a bunch of idiots, but at least your ratings are there!
I’ve got another problem, this time with juice. When you squeeze an orange, you get orange juice. Squeeze a lemon, you get lemon juice. Squeeze a grape, well, you know what happens. But what of apples? When you squeeze an apple, you get… apple cider?
But if you take a bunch of apples, squeeze them, let some of the moisture evaporate into a syrup, ship it to a factory somewhere, add a mixture of sugar-water, then dump in some citric acid to compensate for the vitamins lost during the production process, you get a urine-looking product known as… apple juice.
Apple juice is clearly the inferior product. It is less natural and in my opinion, less tasty. Why should we make a lexical exception for that bullshit? Why not call real apple juice apple juice, and reserve the “cider” name for the processed junk? We don’t call processed cheese-like products cheese and actual cheese chider. We call it processed cheese or fake cheese. Except in America, where it’s American cheese. Guys, why do you want to be associated with fake cheese?
If Obama gets the democratic nomination, I’ll send him an open letter and ask him to address this at once. Because seriously, it’s killing us.