Hi gang, sorry for the lack of updates. I’ve been really busy recently. That’s a good thing, because it leaves less time for my brain to just sit there and idle. But really, since I don’t have anything interesting to say, and everything that can be said about the upcoming American election has already been said, I’m going to talk about some movies I’ve seen recently. And boy oh boy, have they really sucked.
Burn After Reading - The movie should actually be called Burn After Watching, because when it finally ended I wanted to light my eyes on fire. I’m a fan of both Clooney and Malkovich, which means I had high hopes for this film. But it sucked. The movie had no real plot, only a series of loosely connected subplots that failed at their attempt to entertain by being absurd. By the end of this film, you have no idea what just happened or why you wasted your time watching it. It did make a great point though: sometimes it seems like the people who don’t have a clue what is really important in life are the ones who are rewarded.
Good: John Malkovich’s portrayal of the disgruntled CIA agent.
Bad: Everything else.
Best line: “You are in a league of morons.”
Grade: F+ (yes, F plus)
Max Payne - Just because your movie is based on a video game doesn’t exempt you from having to make sense. Unfortunately, someone told the folks behind this film otherwise. It’s very long, dragging you kicking and screaming from one scene to the next with little or no explanation. Even for a mindless action movie, the plot is ridiculous, and not in an amusing Monty Python sort of way.
Good: Mark Wahlberg shooting things.
Bad: Everything that happened in between Wahlberg’s shooting scenes.
Best line: I prefer not to reproduce any of this film’s awful dialogue.
Grade: F
Rocknrolla - I can’t think of many bad things to say about this movie except this: I can’t think of many good things to say, either. Nothing happened. Like the previous two movies, there was no plot to be found; just a random mish-mash of unoriginal, identical scenes. The breakfast equivalent of this would be fruit loops in apple juice, vodka, raisins, pepperoni, and a 2008 Hyundai Genesis.
Good: The trailer. It gives you the idea that the movie is actually good. They actually had me thinking I’d walk out satisfied!
Bad: No believable characters; they are seemingly just chosen at random by rolling dice. Also the fact that the closing credits promise a sequel to this dogpile. Attempted plot twists that may have worked had there been a plot to twist in the first place.
Grade: F
Well, there are my reviews. I hope you don’t get forced to see any of these movies, because they all fail. Quantum of Solace better be good, because so far, this is the worst year in movie history.