Recently, I’ve been made aware that people have been trouble getting rid of their old stuff. As a selectively clever guy with a passion for bucking the system, I have thrown away many a thing in a highly unsafe, environmentally irresponsible, and illegal way. But the real travesty would be to keep this information to myself.
In this article, I will give you some ideas on how to get rid of that stuff you don’t want anymore. Note that this is more like a last resort, after you’ve exercised all your reduce/reuse/recycle options.
1. THROW THAT SHIT AWAY
Seems pretty simple, doesn’t it? It really is that simple. Take all of that shit and throw it away. To do this, all you need to do is get a garbage bag, stuff it in, and tie the bag shut. If you are worried that the bag will break, or the bag is too see-through for you, put that bag in another bag and tie that second bag. Do this until you are satisfied with your packaging. A double-bag is known as a dag. A triple-bag? Well that's a tag. Use quags, quintags, and even octags if you need to!
“But Alex,” you’re asking me, “what about things that the trash collectors won’t take? Like computer parts, used motor oil, acid batteries, etc?”
Nuh uh. That’s not an excuse. My rule is this: if the garbage men (and women) won’t take something you put out, it’s not packaged enough. Put it in a bag. If it’s a fridge, you might need to tape a few bags together. A car? You’ll need about 2 rolls of bags. But remember: if they won’t take it, you’re not using enough bags.
Look, it’s this simple. The more dangerous or questionable the item, the more bags you need. Here are a few examples, and the number of bags you might need:
- Kitchen garbage - 1 bag
- Bathroom waste - 1 bag*
- Batteries - 2 bags
- Old computer - 5
- Gallon of motor oil - 8
- Futon - 15
- Dead Alpaca - 35
- The Bush Administration - 40
- 2007-08 Toronto Maple Leafs - 50
- Sparta - 300
* - While bathroom waste may be wet and grimey, most personal hygiene products will usually fit nicely inside a single douche bag.
2. FREE
Guys, this should be obvious. People love getting stuff for free, even if it’s useless. So do just that. Stack all of your stuff together on the curbside and put up a big sign that says “FREE”-you’ll have interest, I guarantee it. But if your stuff is especially junky, there are some quick things you can do to make it look more attractive. If something is rusty, get a can of Tremclad and spray it down. It will look one hundred times better, and you then have another cool thing to give away: a half-empty can of Tremclad.
3. CONDITIONAL OFFERS
One of the biggest trades in recent history was the acquisition of Josh Beckett by the Boston Red Sox. Beckett was a young stud with World Series experience and made next to no money. “Yeah, you can have him,” the Florida Marlins said. “If you take Lowell with you.” Mike Lowell, the struggling third baseman, had a very big contract which the Marlins couldn’t afford. But the Red Sox could.
Look around for something that you have that other people might want. It could be an old lawnmower that still works, those old Magic: The Gathering cards you don’t play with anymore (right?), an old laptop computer, anything you can come up with that you planned to sell anyway. Then, give it away on the condition that they take the crap with them too.
4. GIFT-WRAP THAT TURD
This one is a lot of fun to do, especially to rich people in rich areas. Get a nice big sturdy box. Dump all the crap you want to get rid of inside, and tape up the box. Then, using some nice shiny gift wrap, wrap it up and put a big bow on top. Then leave it on someone’s doorstep. This works great around Christmas, as they might be expecting a gift.
5. RELAX. YOU GOTS FEDEX.
Head down to your local FedEx Store and pick up some of those FedEx Boxes. You know it’s a box, because they actually wrote “Box” on it just in case you’re that dense. Unfold and snap the boxes together. Slowly fill the boxes with your stuff. Then, pull up a phone guide for another city (or even another country!) and start writing names and addresses on the boxes. Take them to the nearest FedEx office and ship ‘em off. Yes, you’ll have to pay for shipping, but imagine what is going to happen when someone opens your box and finds a bunch of broken DVDs, scrap paper, random cables, and a few coasters? This hypothetical situation should put a hypothetical smile on your face.
6. NO DUMPING? PFFT.
You may have heard the idea that telling people (especially kids) not to do something will inevitably encourage them to do it. Well kids these days get plenty of excuses for being little punks: they’re adjusting. They have ADD. They’re products of their environment. Why not be a product of your environment and dump some stuff right under a No Dumping sign? It will be a legendary smartalecky move, and Alanis Morissette will call it ironic, which ironically is not what ironic means. Uh, yeah.
So there you have it. How to get rid of your old stuff. Don’t ever tell anyone I never help people. :)